


Not a Monster

by xZealHakune



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 16:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21479575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xZealHakune/pseuds/xZealHakune
Summary: Ritsuka's been acting strange lately, and Nightingale wants to know what's wrong with him. Little does she know that his issues are far deeper and much more unknown to her than she ever understood.
Relationships: Fujimaru Ritsuka & Mash Kyrielight | Shielder, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Florence Nightingale | Berserker, Romani Archaman & Fujimaru Ritsuka
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43
Collections: FTTN's Favorites





	Not a Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: This fic has content involving mental health issues and suicidal thoughts. If either of these are things that you are upset by then please leave this fic. Thank you!

“Senpai, dodge!” 

Mash’s scream is what alerted Ritsuka to the sound of approaching heavy footfalls stomping across the ground of the dimly lit cavern. How had he not noticed that the mammoth-sized golem was closing in on him up until now!? He mentally cursed, but shook his head, opting to save himself now and be frustrated later.

The golem cocked an arm back ready to smash him out of existence, and Ritsuka gulped as he looked around for an escape. Mash was on his left, so rolling towards her so she could protect him with her shield would probably be the best option.

_ If you dodge left the King of Mages will succeed in incinerating humanity.  _

The instant those words invaded his mind fear enveloped his body. It was the same dread that had become a burden to him every second he was conscious. Ritsuka  _ knew  _ that if he were to dodge to the left that somehow, someway he would fail the Grand Order. It was irrational, but he knew the moment the thought crossed his mind that the cause and effect chain had been birthed into existence.

So instead of rolling to his left towards Mash, he rolled right, barely dodging the lariat of the golem in front of him as he slammed into the cavern wall where Ritsuka had been. The golem removed its arm, revealing the cracks and fractures the strike had made. Ritsuka gulped. That could’ve ended horribly.

The respite from dodging was short-lived as the golem set its artificial gaze onto him and roared, launching a spittle of pebbles and rocks in his direction. It cupped its hands together, preparing a double axe handed punch that would without a doubt smash Ritsuka into bits.

Taking a few steps back, Ritsuka cursed as his back hit the wall. It was just his luck to get himself cornered. Glancing to his left and right, he saw that the open window of space that he had to dodge was narrow.  _ Shit, _ he cursed mentally. If he had just rolled towards Mash he would’ve been out of harm’s way.

“Senpai!” Mash she slammed Lord Camelot into another golem that she had been facing. Staggered, it fell down on its backside, but Mash ignored it as she focused on Ritsuka with a concerned grimace marking her face. She was too far away to make it in time.

Ritsuka lifted his right hand, revealing the red marking covering it. His Command Seals. He didn’t like using them much, but it was the easiest way to get him out of danger.

One of the Command Seals glew a bright red light as Ritsuka thrust his arm into the air. “Mash, teleport to-”

_ If you use the Command Seal Mash will die today. _

“No!” Ritsuka yelled as he forcefully brought his hand down, the Command Seal’s light fading away. Ritsuka curled his hands to lessen the tremor of his shaky hands as he looked towards Mash. The image of a dying Mash filled in his mind. He could already imagine the somber, yellow light glowing around her body as she began to fade.

The dread resurfaced, threatening to swallow Ritsuka once again. Once again, without knowing, Ritsuka  _ knew  _ that the voice in his mind was speaking the truth, and he could do nothing but obey.

The Golem brought its axe-handle fists downwards, and Ritsuka bent low to roll away. He would be able to miss the major brunt of the attack if he at least did that.

_ If you even move an inch you will be the one who kills Mash. _

Another vision of the future clouded Ritsuka’s mind. He saw himself sending Mash into combat only to get killed because of his order. And then he saw worse. The image of using a Command Seal and ordering another one of his servants to kill Mash entered his mind. The look of betrayal and sadness on Mash’s face as she disappeared appeared as a clear frightening image in his head.

It was his worst fear incarnated.

“No!” Ritsuka roared in a sudden outburst, banishing the imagery. He wouldn’t do something like that, he couldn’t. He’d never wanted that to happen.

As always, he found himself being a slave to the voice.  _ His  _ voice. He knew it was irrational, that no such manipulation of causality could come from the simple thoughts that invaded his mind, but Ritsuka couldn’t help but follow the thoughts. Because what if? What if they were real? 

Ristuka didn’t budge an inch as the golem’s axe-handled fists soared through the air in his direction. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the end. It figured that this would be the reason he died.

The sound of rock being pummeled into is what made Ritsuka open his eyes. A blur of pink and red slamming into the golem came into view. The woman had punched the golem in its forearm hard enough to create a fissure that made the arm detach and fall to the ground with an earth-shattering thud.

The woman flipped away from the golem and landed in front of Ritsuka.. With her pink hair flowing wildly behind her, a bandage covering her right eye, and that red uniform, Florence Nightingale looked more like a war goddess than the nurse she actually was.

She parted her pink hair to allow her one crimson eye to scan across his body. They were critical and stern yet caring at the same time. “Mister Ritsuka, from a glance it would appear your legs have the motor capabilities required to dodge that last attack, yet you didn’t. Why?”

Ritsuka took a step back and bit his lip, desperately prodding his mind to find some sort of excuse. “I-I…” he stuttered as he stared back at Nightingale unsurely. 

She raised an eyebrow before abruptly picking up Ritsuka by the waist and jumping away. It was only then that Ritsuka had noticed the now one-armed golem had closed in on their position. It swept its arm across the area they had just been but found no purchase.

“Thanks Nightingale,” Ritsuka said in relief as Nightingale landed and placed him on his feet.

“No thanks is necessary, it's my obligation,” she said sternly before a slight smile crossed her face. “But it’s a pleasure.” Nightingale turned to face the remaining golem rushing towards her. “Now then, I’d advise you to stay behind Miss Mash’s shield.”

“Senpai!” Ritsuka turned to see Mash darting with absolute worry on her face. “You didn’t get hurt did you? I’m sorry, I should not have left you alone.”

“I’m fine Mash.”  _ Besides, you're not the one to blame _ .

In the distance he could see Nightingale loading the golem with bullets from her revolver before launching into a power slide that busted the golem’s foot into chunks of rocks and pebbles.

Ritsuka fiercely nodded at Mash. “Let’s wrap this up, okay?”

-

“Miss Mash, could I have a moment of your time?” Nightingale asked as she caught sight of Mash turning around one of the corners of Chaldea’s hallways. It had been hours since the fight with the golems, and after the debriefing everyone had gone their separate ways.

“Oh, Miss Nightingale,” Mash said, adjusting her glasses. She had reverted back to her Chaldea hoodie and skirt. “Is something the matter?”

Nightingale shifted a few proper responses in her mind for a bit before nodding. “Yes, it has to do with Mister Ritsuka.”

“S-Senpai?! Is he in trouble?”

“There’s no reason to worry, I believe he’s fine,” she said with a reassuring smile to calm Mash’s nerves. “I’m here to discuss what happened during the fight with the golems. There were several times where Mister Ritsuka made less-than optimal actions that put his life in danger. In one particular moment instead of trying to dodge the golem’s attack or using a Command Spell to teleport a servant over to him, he froze in place. Had I not been there…” Nightingale paused and Mash audibly winced. They remained in silence for a few seconds longer.

Nightingale dug into her satchel and shuffled through a few pieces of paper. “After the mission, I did a physical evaluation on Mister Ritsuka and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.” She scanned over her notes for a few seconds before turning back to Mash. “Which is why I wanted to know if you know of any reason why he was acting strangely.”

Mash bit her lip, her eyes narrowing in concern. “Senpai acts strangely during combat a lot of times There’ll be times when he randomly yells “no” while in the middle of a fight or he makes some abrupt strange movement, but he always told me not to worry about it.”

Nightingale hummed as she crossed her arms. “Perhaps he’s suffering from early symptoms of a delusional fever. I think I’m going to perform another checkup to make sure. Thank you Miss Mash,” 

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” a new voice came from around the corner, stopping Nightingale in her tracks.

“Doctor Roman!” Mash nearly jumped at the sudden voice. 

“Sorry to have eavesdropped on your conversation,” Roman said with a sheepish smile as he scratched his head.

“And why exactly do you believe a second checkup on Mister Ritsuka won’t be necessary?” Nightingale said with narrowed eyes.

“The medical team and I try to monitor Ritsuka’s vital signs at all times, and we  _ also  _ do regular checkups. With our technology we’ve deduced that Ritsuka is 100% healthy in terms of physical well-being.”

“So what reason would you suggest for Mister Ritsuka’s display earlier today if not for some fever or fatigue?” Nightingale replied, sternly staring directly into Roman’s warm gaze.

“Maybe you should ask Ritsuka himself?”

-

Two steps right, one step left, hop over every 5th til-  _ Shit _ , Ritsuka cursed as he landed on the 5th tile instead of hopping over it. He groaned as he thought about how many times he had to repeat this tiring task because of a simple mistake. He was starting to think about doing a mad dash back to his room bef-

_ If you don’t do it right, you’ll hurt Roman. _

“N-” Ritsuka slapped his mouth shut the moment the roar had escaped his throat. He bit his lip and scanned the corridors for any sign of people watching him and was relieved to find no one there.

_ I’ll just do it right this time and hurry back to my room!  _ Ritsuka returned to his default positions and repeated the motions. Three steps right-  _ No!  _ Two steps right, another to the right-  _ No! _ Ritsuka grumbled as he repositioned himself once more. There was no doubt that if someone saw him they would think he had been given a Madness Enhancement. 

He was getting really annoyed now. This was why he loathed having free time away from traveling Singularities. At least when his life was being threatened every second he had time to drag his mind from the intrusive thoughts and insane rituals. 

He looked down the hallway, his room being no more than a dozen or so feet away. Maybe it would be easier to run and endure the dreadful thoughts that would inevitably come.

This time purposely, Ritsuka took a step forward, deviating from outside the ritual; immediately, his mind swelled with terror. There was some deep pit in his stomach saying that he was making a mistake that he would come to regret.

“It’s not real,” Ritsuka said, steeling himself as he took another step forward. His face scrunched up the moment his foot hit the floor. 

Suddenly, the sounds of screaming echoed in his mind. He was in the Chaldea’s control center, but instead of the sleek blue aesthetic, the walls and machinery were coated in a crimson liquid. There was something cold in Ritsuka’s hand, a dagger, and it was dug deep into something. No,  _ someone _ .

As the blood dripped across the blade’s smooth surface and stained Ritsuka’s hand, he dared a glance at who  _ he  _ had impaled. He was met with familiar light-green eyes, but instead of the warmth there had been before they were now cold and empty.

“Ritsuka... “ Roman spoke through hitched breaths slowly and painfully.

“No.” Ritsuka dropped the blade as he staggered backward. His heart banged in his chest.

“I trusted…” and before Roman could finished the statement, he fell the floor motionless.

“No!” Ritsuka screamed, pulling himself from the imagination. He took several deep breaths before making a dash to the ritual’s default position; however, as he turned around he crashed into something and fell onto backwards his butt.

“What exactly were you doing Mister Ritsuka?”

Ritsuka stared up in absolute horror at Nightingale. She silently observed him on the ground He stumbled onto his feet in a clumsy flourish of embarrassment and dread as he stammered on his words. 

“I-I was just…” His eyes darted around the corridor, avoiding her penetrating gaze. “Acting!” he yelled a little too excitedly as he met Nightingale’s gaze and cringed at how her stare didn’t seem to budge. “Shakespeare has been assembling a play for everyone at Chaldea, and he wants me to be the lead star.” He added an overt chuckle.

“You’re quite a terrible liar, Mister Ritsuka.” Nightingale replied, and for the briefest second showing a hint of mirth in her eyes before her stature shifted. Ritsuka gulped.

Nightingale slapped a gloved hand onto his forehead, making Ritsuka start, but if she had noticed, she didn’t show it. “Temperature seems average.” In a flash of dexterity, she stretched both of his eyelids wide and moved closer to inspect the area around his eyes. “No signs of sleep deprivation. Mister Ritsuka, please say “ahhhh”.”

“Wait what!?” Ritsuka exclaimed, taking a step back.

Instantly, Nightingale jabbed a finger into Ritsuka’s stomach, making him open his mouth wide with a yelp, and she grabbed a hold of his mouth and peered into it. Ritsuka let out some type of incomprehensible gurgling noise. “Uvula seems to be average size.”

This “checkup” continued for a few seconds longer before Ritsuka finally had enough and rolled backwards to escape Nightingale’s clutches. 

“I’m fine, Nightingale!” He put his hands up defensively as sweat poured down his cheek. “Like I said, I was just practicing some lines.”

“Quit fussing Mister Ritsuka, if I have to restrain you against your will to complete your checkup, then so be it,” she said, and a small frown crossed her face. “I’ve noticed how strangely you’ve been acting on the field, so I’d like to be sure that you aren’t showing any symptoms of-”

“I’m fine!” Ritsuka yelled, cutting Nightingale off. While her eyes did flicker in interest, she didn’t seem to be fazed by the shout. “I’m going to sleep now,” he said awkwardly before turning and making a mad dash to his room.

Slamming the door behind him, Ritsuka slid against the door until he was sitting on the floor. He released a heavy sigh. He couldn’t believe he was dumb enough to have gotten caught doing a ritual. And he didn’t even get to finish the ritual! Ritsuka bit his thumb as he thought on it. He’d do another - no two other rituals to make up for messing that one up.

Now all he could hope for was that Nightingale didn’t tell any of the other Chaldea servants about what she had seen. His stomach dropped at the thought of anyone finding out the truth. No one could find out the truth.

Because if they did, they’d think he was a monster.

-

Nightingale stood still where Mister Ritsuka had left her in the hallway, looking towards the direction he had ran off. She removed her gloves and placed them into a disposable bag before placing her hand on her chin.

There were no symptoms of any physical ailments, fatigue, or hallucination and if Chaldea’s magecraft was working correctly, not that she would understand it, then that meant Mister Ritsuka was healthy. But the way he had been acting countered that logic.

But exactly how, Nightingale didn’t know, and that unsettled her greatly.

“I suppose you have the concerns that I have Doctor Romani?” Nightingale asked, not turning to face the presence she sensed behind her.

“Well of course, Ritsuka is the most important person of the Grand Order operation.” Nightingale could hear the sheepish smile spread across his face, but she could tell it had faded with his next sentence. “And he’s a friend. After Mash told me about the freakouts he has on the battlefield, we began monitoring some of his behavior when he’s alone,” Romani said before sighing. “Jeez, that sounds really messed up when I say it aloud, but you know what I mean. There’s times when he seems lost in his own thoughts and then he just shouts something like ‘no’.”

Nightingale turned to face Romani, noting the concern in his eyes as he looked towards Ritsuka’s room. “How long have you known about this?”

“A few months at this point, I think?” Romani shrugged. “I’m sure the first time Mash told me about it was after the 2nd Singularity was fixed.”

Nightingale’s eyes widened as she felt even more clueless as to what was wrong. “Months, but if he’s sick he should’ve shown some sort of physical symptom by now! How is it possible that!?”

“Exactly, there’s nothing  _ physically  _ wrong with him,” Romani said knowingly. His light-green eyes flickered with some emotion Nightingale couldn’t describe.

“What do you mean?” Nightingale used her singular eye to level a stern gaze at Roman.

He sighed as he placed a hand on his hip and shook his head. “Nightingale, you died, correct?”

“That’s correct, but I don't know what that has to do with anything.”

“Oh it does,” Romani said. “The Cell Theory led to advancements of medicine that aided physical health, but during the 1800s and early 1900s, knowledge of the mental aspects of health weren’t as well known.” He was speaking with the tone of a professional. “For the most part if people were acting strangely, they were seen to be possessed by demons or deemed cray and thrown into asylums where they received horrible treatment- if such actions could even be considered treatment.”

“Are you suggesting that Mister Ritsuka is going insane?” Nightingale asked with an intense gaze at Romani, and although she expected him to hesitate from her stare, he answered almost immediately.

“That’s exactly what most people would think if they came from your time, but our knowledge on mental health has advanced tremendously since then.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before saying, “I think Ritsuka is suffering from a mental disorder.”

Nightingale slowly nodded, processing Romani’s words as she formed a conclusion. But there was none to be formed because for the first time Nightingale felt lost on how she could treat a patient. 

A restless urge filled her body fueled by the Madness Enhancement given to her by her Berserker-class. On instinct, her brain sorted through the normal procedures she used for treatment, prodding her to find an answer and do something until she finally reached a conclusion. She could do nothing.

She knew how to bandage a wound, prepare skin for an injection, set up a recovering patient’s resting position, prepare a limb for amputation, and she even knew how to knock out a patient if the upcoming operation would be unbearable. Yet, when it came to how to treat a patient mentally, she was helpless. Doctor Romani was right, she was ignorant on the topic of mental health.

Mister Ritsuka was suffering in silence and there was nothing she could do, and she was sure that if Romani hadn’t told her it might be a mental illness, that she would’ve never considered it. How could she even call herself a nurse if she couldn’t even help her own Master?

“Nightingale!” 

The shout brought her from her thoughts, and she resurfaced to see Romani shaking her from the shoulders. She wasn’t sure how long she had been consumed by her thoughts, but she slowly looked him in the eye and mouthed something.

“What?” he asked after being unable to make out the words.

This time Nightingale spoke, her voice lacking the confidence and intensity it normally had, instead it sounded broken, a fragment of what it had been before. “How do I help?”

“I…” Romani said, sounding just as broken as Nightingale. “He hasn’t even told us what’s wrong, so I don’t know where to start.”

Nightingale nodded, she gripped her chest as she realized how shaky her hand had been, but even then she couldn’t settle the restless desperation in her heart. She had made up her mind in that moment. “T-Then, I’ll start by finding that out.”

“What?” Romani blurted.

Nightingale walked away, her hair and black coat flowing behind her as she did so. “You can only treat a patient once you diagnose them.”

-

Ritsuka awoke with a start as he felt the knocking on the door behind him. He groggily stood up, not even able to remember falling asleep in the first place but glad to have done so. His mind was refreshed and clear; he felt none of the demonic thoughts or urges to perform a ritual that would bombard him throughout the day. He always appreciated these moments of bliss that he was blessed with when he woke up. Things would return to normal within the next hour.

There was another knock on the door; however, this time it was much louder and more like someone slamming their fist against the wall.

“I’m coming,” he said while rubbing his eyes of the tiredness. 

Opening the door, Ritsuka found himself face to face with Nightingale, and out of sheer instinct, he closed the door on her. It took a few seconds to realize what he had done, but Ritsuka nervously backed away from the door.

“Mister Ritsuka,” Nightingale spoke from behind the door, “I understand your nervousness, but I assure you I’m not here for another checkup. I’m here to talk.”

Ritsuka believed her because knowing Nightingale, if she had really wanted to give him a checkup she would’ve busted the door down now and saved talking for later. He still didn’t want to open the door for her though because there was no doubt in his mind that she wanted to talk about the odd display he had put on earlier for her.

“I don’t want to-”

_ If you don’t open the door for Nightingale, everyone will learn you’re a monster _

There it was, right on time. Ritsuka reached for the door with haste. The longer he allowed that thought to ruminate in his mind as he decided whether to believe it or not (which he  _ always _ ended up doing the former in sheer fear alone), the more his imagination would run wild with the what would happen if it was real. How long had he been dreadful thought-free since he had woken up? Maybe three minutes at most? 

Regardless, he obeyed the thought and opened the door.

“Thank you, Mister Ritsuka,” Nightingale said as she flashed him a smile, one which he faked back. “May I come in?”

“Yeah, make yourself at home,” Ritsuka said hesitantly as he moved aside to allow her in. There was something different about Nightingale’s demeanor. The caring was there, but the intensity of it was gone, and she was gripping the edge of her red jacket tightly.

Nightingale took a seat in a chair while Ritsuka sat on the edge of his bed, and the room was filled with an awkward silence.

“Mister Ritsuka, I’m going to be forthright and honest with you,” Nightingale said bluntly, breaking the silence. “I’m here to talk about what happened on the battlefield earlier today.”

Ritsuka gulped, but he of course wasn’t surprised. “Okay,” he found himself simply saying.

“While out on the battlefield, instead of using your Command Spell to save yourself from the golem’s attack, you stayed frozen in place as if you were allowing yourself to be a sitting duck. Her single eye gazed at him unwaveringly. “Why?” 

“I was distracted by something else during the fight,” Ritsuka lied through his teeth before he scratched the back of his head. “I was careless. It won’t happen again.”

“And you screamed ‘no’ because?”

Silence.

“What were you doing when I ran into you in the hallway earlier today?”

Ritsuka bit his tongue, his eyes straying away from Nightingale. How could he have been so careless as to let her see all the weird stuff he did? He mentally cursed himself.

“Mister Ritsuka, I’m trying to help,” Nightingale said, standing up and approaching Ritsuka slowly. “Please.” There was a desperate look in her eye. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” Ritsuka said. He couldn’t help, but take a step back as she got closer, and a strain of guilt rushed into him heart as he noticed Nightingale wince in anguish as he did, but he continued. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” He kept moving backwards until his back hit the wall.

_ If you don’t tell Nightingale, you’ll kill her. _

Ritsuka tried to shout, but something got caught in his throat and all that came out was a yelp.

_ If you do tell Nightingale, you’ll kill her. _

The voice spoke devilishly in his head, leaving him confused on what to do besides stand back against the wall in absolute horror. Nothing made sense anymore. Now the voice was telling him that no matter he would do he would kill her. As if saying that no matter what he was destined to harm those close to him.

Ritsuka snapped his eyes shut, but the images of horror were already filling his head. The blood. The screams. The anguish.

_ I’ll become a monster that’ll kill everyone in Chaldea _ , the thought,  _ his  _ thought, echoed in his mind.

“I’m not a monster!” Ritsuka shouted, collapsing to his in a pathetic heap. Through rapid breaths, he realized that Nightingale had completely closed any distance between them, and she was looking at him in absolute horror.

Ritsuka felt the urge to tap his face three times, and he did so. The pointless ritual was what filled him with the strength to bury a little bit of the panic that swam through his systems. He was sure he would have to do countless rituals before the panic fully receded, but for now that was enough.

He stumbled onto his feet, being helped up by Nightingale along the way, and Ritsuka felt absolutely embarrassed. To Nightingale, he must’ve seemed like he was going insane, a chaotic mess, or both because that’s how he saw himself at the moment.

“I want to help… Mister Ritsuka, please,” Nightingale said shakily.

Ritsuka absorbed Nightingale’s features. Her downwards curving lips, the tremor in her hands, the way she bit her lip, the desire to help in her eye. There was something desperate in her appearance that he couldn’t ignore it, and it filled him with immense guilt. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was going to say. There was no stopping Nightingale from knowing that something was wrong, so there was only one option left. “Please go.”

“Why!?” Nightingale shouted, and her voice cracked.

Ritsuka’s eyes widened for a brief moment before he turned his gaze away from her, knowing he wouldn’t be able to continue if he looked her in the eyes. He gripped his hands tight. “Because when you hear about it you and everyone will think I’m a monster.”

Nightingale grabbed his hand, placed both of her hand on top of it, and squeezed it softly. She looked up at him, her single eye shimmering with genuine concern. “I won’t.”

Ritsuka met her gaze, allowing himself to be drawn in by their warmth and care. He sighed as he felt the butterflies form tight knots in his stomach.

“Okay.” He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and Nightingale followed, sitting directly next to him. He stared absent-mindedly at the floor for a few moments. 

“Where do I begin?” he said with a wry laugh, and he didn’t know why as he found no humor in what he was saying. Maybe it was because he had been dealing with this problem for far longer than he realized. “For a few months now, I’ve been hearing things in my head. My own voice telling me things.”

“At first it was just silly things like ‘pick that bottle off up the ground or you’ll trip over it soon’, and that was okay. It would only happen every now and then, but as time passed it started happening more and more. After a while, I started thinking about horrible things I never wanted to imagine. I was bombarded with horrible images in my mind of hurting people like M-Mash or Doctor Roman.” Ritsuka gripped the edge of his bed to try and stop himself from shaking so badly. “There’ll be times when I’m just laying in bed, and I’ll get this god awful thought and when I try to ignore it, I get this feeling of dread. It’s like something me that I might one day do those terrible thing. But I don’t!” Ritsuka shouted, desperately trying to make sure Nightingale didn’t end up thinking he was a monster by the end of this. Maybe it was too late. He spared a glance in her direction, but her eyes were closed.

Ritsuka took a deep breath before continuing. “Almost every second of the day, these thoughts are just running past my mind and making me feel uncomfortable and the only way I can suppress the dread is by doing some weird procedure that makes no sense. Like the one I was doing when you ran into me earlier.” He gave another chuckle, finding some warped sense of humor at how stupid those rituals were. They made no sense, but he couldn’t help himself from doing it to relieve that horrible feeling in his gut.

Ritsuka sniffled. “Sometimes, I’ll be doing something, and I suddenly get the thought ‘don’t do this, unless you’ll kil-’” Ristuka stopped himself, not daring to say the word as if just uttering it would speak it into existence. “‘Unless you’ll hurt someone’, and I know it makes no sense. I know there’s no way that things work like that, but at the moment I can’t help but think ‘what if that thought is true. What if I ignore it, and I end up doing something horrible because I didn’t listen to it. What if I hurt my friends because of it.’ At that point, I have no choice but to listen. That’s what happened today when we were fighting the golems. If you hadn’t been there…” he paused staring off into space. If she hadn’t been there, maybe he wouldn’t have been struggling with these demonic thoughts still.

“I’m beginning to think I’m some sort of monster. I mean who imagines ever harming their friends on a daily basis!?” he shouted, hysterically. He turned his gaze towards the ceiling, absorbing the white surface for no reason. “But I can’t be a monster. I know I’m not because I’d rather kill myself than hurt my friends.” 

He wasn’t sure when he had considered that an option, but he was certain. The image of doing it was just as clear as the violent imaginations. If one day he ever became a monster that even considered doing something to the people he cared about, if he ever lost his way, he would end it all.

The room stayed silent for a few moments besides quiet sniffles coming from Ritsuka. He turned towards Nightingale sorrowfully, trying to get a read on her reaction, but her eyes were still closed in deep thought. It would only be a matter of time before Nightingale would come to believe Ritsuka was a monster, and then she and everyone else would distance herself from him. In the end, after the Foundation of Humanity had been saved, he would be alone. Because who would be friends with a monster?

Nightingale opened her eyes. The desperation in her crimson eyes gone, replaced with mild shock as she looked at him. “Mister Ritsuka, why are you crying?”

“Huh?” Ritsuka could merely utter as he suddenly felt wetness all over his face. He touched his cheek and felt the warm tears flowing all across it. He made an effort to wipe it, but that didn’t stop the continuous flow that poured from his eyes. “I don’t know,” his voice trembled quietly. “I guess it’s because this is my first time opening up to somebody about this after holding it back so long.” After that Ritsuka couldn’t help it anymore, and he sobbed, loudly and ugily.

He truly, with all of his heart, didn’t want this. He didn’t want the thoughts, the rituals, the fear, the sadness, none of it. He just wanted to be normal.

“You’re not a monster,” Nightingale softly said as she wrapped around him and embraced him tightly, allowing him to sob into her chest. Her jacket was covered in a mix of tears and snot, but she didn’t seem to care as she held him there. 

Ritsuka was sure he looked pathetic in that moment because once in his life, he let out all the pent up sadness he had bottled up.

He wasn’t sure how long he had cried, but when he had stopped, Ritsuka laid back on his bed. His eyes were puffy and red, and his face was mucked with drying tears and snot. He felt refreshed, like this had been the most stress he had let out in a long while. But as he glanced at Nightingale, Ritsuka felt the embarrassment return. How could people expect him to be the savior of Humanity if he was a crying mess like this.

She removed her jacket, revealing a tight black spandex underneath, and folded it over the wet mess he had made on it. Nightingale caught his weary gaze.

“It must’ve been hard dealing with that by yourself for so long. I promise complete confidentiality about everything you told me,” she smiled softly at him and grabbed his hand, squeezed it. “And thank you for confiding in me.” Nightingale knew what she had to do. If she didn’t know much about how to treat mental illnesses then she’d just learn how because she wouldn’t sit around idly while those she cared about suffered.

As she turned to leave the room, Ritsuka felt the urge to stop her from leaving and ask her if she believed he was capable of harming someone he knew, but ultimately, he didn’t. He looked in his hand, realizing she had left something in it, and saw a pink handkerchief. He used it to wipe his face clean before laying back in his bed and rolling in his covers as the door slowly shut closed.

And for once as he prepared to sleep, the intrusive thoughts weren’t around to keep him up.

-

When Ritsuka awoke it was nighttime. He would regret messing up his sleeping schedule one night, but not tonight. Standing up off his bed, he went to the sink and washed his face before venturing out of his room and into the Chaldea hallways. There was no destination in mind; he was on a casual midnight stroll simply being carried to wherever his feet took him.

It was quiet, quiet in the halls and quiet in his mind, and the only thing that made sound was his footfalls across the floor. It always surprised him how tranquil Chaldea could become at nighttime because it was loud and chaotic with all the Servants running around during the daytime. 

“What’re you doing up this late, Ritsuka?” 

Ritsuka nearly jumped from the voice that suddenly came from behind him before he recognized the voice. Doctor Roman stumbled over to him while holding a pile of books against his chest like his life depended on it. Roman sighed in discontent as one book slipped off the top.

“Can you grab that for me?” he said tiredly, and Ritsuka noticed the slight bags forming under his eyes.

Ritsuka nodded and reached down to pick it up. The book was long and thick, but the thing that caught Ritsuka’s eye the most was the title.  _ Psychiatrist Records of Dealing with Patient Suffering from Mental Disorders.  _ He raised an eyebrow but placed the book on top of the stack.

“I woke up from a nap, so I was just on a little midnight stroll,” Ritsuka said, answering his question from earlier. “What about you?”

“I’ve been helping Nightingale with some research,” Roman said before sighing once more. “Well, less helping and more being an errand boy while she research.”

“Research?” Ritsuka asked curiously.

“Yes…” Roman said before pausing, a thoughtful look came across his face. “Actually, there’s something I want to show you. Follow me.”

Curiosity and trepidation filled his mind as he followed behind Roman hesitantly. He trusted Nightingale, but he hoped she hadn’t told Roman about what had happened earlier. 

The two walked for a few minutes in silence before stopping in front of a large door that led into Chaldea’s library. Roman shuffled pile in his hands in a clumsy attempt to get the door knob, but Ritsuka moved forward to open it for him. Roman laughed as he gave a thank you, and the two filed inside.

It dimly lit, the only lighting in the room being provided by several candles that line the walls and sat on candelabra on desktops around the room. Countless shelves filled with all types of books lined the walls, stretching high enough into the air that long ladders would have to be used to collect books from the higher parts.

Ritsuka’s eyes, however, found interest in a single person that sat at one of the desks. He couldn’t get a look at who it was from where he was standing, but he could see that scattered on the floor and desk around the person were dozens of books, journals, newspapers, and scraps of paper turned over, closed, opened, and crumpled in numerous ways.

He tiptoed closer and was able to make out the palish-pink hair of Nightingale. She was slumped forward with her head resting on the desk, lightly snoring on top of one book with a pen tucked behind her ear. She hadn’t put on another coat over her spandex shirt. In that moment, she didn’t look like a nurse or a war goddess, she simply looked a person taking a much needed reprieve after countless hours of dedicated research.

“Nightingale said she was researching something that had to do with you, but she said that she couldn’t tell me exactly what it was,” Roman said, setting the stack of books down and moving beside Ritsuka. “She’s been here for hours studying.”

Ritsuka nodded but said something that had been bothering him for a while. “But why is she doing so much for me?” It was no secret that Nightingale was passionate when it comes to everything, but he didn’t understand this. “Is it because the Madness Enhancement that comes with the Berserker class?”

Roman shook his head. “It might be, but something tells me that no matter what class Nightingale had been summoned as, she would’ve done the same thing.” Roman grabbed Ritsuka shoulder and smiled. “I think this is just what friends do to help one another.”

Ritsuka slowly nodded at Roman before walking over to Nightingale quietly to ensure he didn’t wake her up. She stirred as he got closer, but she didn’t wake up. It was at that moment that Ritsuka saw the smile on Nightingale’s face. It was a smile of contention. 

He positioned himself behind her so that he could get a look at what was on the page below her and he caught sight of scribbles on a piece of paper below her. There were numerous amount of notes going across it some crossed out or stopped mid-sentence entirely, but one sentence in particular was circled in red pen.  _ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts, rumination, and rituals. _

Ritsuka wiped the tears that had began welling in his eyes and embraced her just light enough so that she didn’t wake up. He could’ve sworn that he saw her smile widen a little bit.

“Thank you, Nightingale,” he whispered, sounding the happiest he had been in a long time.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This story means a lot to me, as I am a sufferer of OCD. A lot of the words Ritsuka said in this fic are words I have thought to myself in regards to my OCD, or have told someone after revealing I have OCD. So, I hope that I depicted it from a realistic angle because I sure could relate to what he was dealing with in this fic.
> 
> And yes, I know that Servants don't really need sleep, but let's go along with it.


End file.
